


Feeling Blue

by PenMelody (Skarmoree)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Lance-centric, References to depression and suicide in the final chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-07 03:10:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8780791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skarmoree/pseuds/PenMelody
Summary: Lance was the class clown back in school. His crooked grin full of gaps often brought a smile to his friend's faces.Seeing everyone else smile made him happy.
Lance was the shameless flirt in the Garrison. It made the girls laugh at his failed attempts, and the boys chuckle at his ridiculousness.He didn't mind being turned down, because everyone ended up happy.
Lance was the blue paladin. It was his duty as a member of Voltron to keep the universe happy.But sometimes, just sometimes -
Lance couldn't bring himself to smile





	1. Seeing Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, and welcome to 'Feeling Blue', written by PenMelody and beta'd by me. She doesn't have an ao3 account so I do the publishing. 
> 
> it's a Lance-centric fic, eachh chapter tying to another character (well, Coran and Allura share a chapter)
> 
> Hope you enjoy~

Lance watched as Keith stared into the clouded pod that contained their youngest paladin, looking into its depths as if it held all the answers. In a way it did, solely because of the occupant that was currently floating peacefully within it. It wasn't a life threatening injury- just a nasty cut on the leg that Pidge had insisted didn't hurt. 

However, whilst Pidge had shut off her pain, her eyes had spoken of it for her, glistening with unshed tears and intense, pure agony. Lance had been the one to finally convince her to rest, pulling her from the fight and escorting her and Green back to the castle. And it was he who had come to find Keith.

Lance knew that he had few talents that were of use- and that those he had were often not important here- but if there was one talent he was proud of, it was his ability to sense when people were hurting. He supposed it must come with being a brother, from sleepless nights fighting away his siblings' demons, or early mornings with his oldest sister (who found the dawn hours difficult to sleep through). Lance liked making people happy.

Keith's eyes narrowed as he replayed the fight from all angles, over and over in his mind. If only he had run a little faster, finished his designated sector a little earlier, wasted less time investigating a downed enemies armour. Maybe then, he could have been beside Pidge when she had been overwhelmed by the group of Galra, all bigger and stronger than she was. Maybe if he had been there she wouldn't have fallen to one of the duller one's knives, he could have jumped in, giving her a moment to rest. 

Instead he watched as she collapsed, screaming as she jammed a hand to her bleeding leg. He had seen red, and all her opponents had fallen where they stood, fallen to an enraged paladin's sword.

Lance let out a tiny sigh from the doorway. He was no stranger to the thoughts he knew were running through Keith's head. For it had gone through all of their minds already. They too felt guilty, leaving tiny Pidge to take on a sector by herself, even though they knew her weapon was not suited to the job and that her primary task was to gather information. Keith had missed the debrief, too worried about Pidge, but they had all agreed that splitting up was something they would never attempt again. If only he had been a little faster...

Lance swept the thought from his head with practiced ease, he could deal with that later. For now, Keith was more important. He needed to get Keith out of here, he knew from experience that being alone during moments like these was stupid. But he also knew Keith. And he knew that Keith would not leave this room without coaxing.

"Oi, Mullet" Lance drawled, draped rather artistically over the edge of the door, wide grin planted firmly on his tanned face.

"Lance." Keith replied monotonously, still staring at the sleeping pidge. Lance frowned internally, the lack of insult in Keith's reply only confirming Lances own suspicions.

"Wanna come train with me? Betch'ya can't beat me." Lance tensed a bit as he saw the pain and anguish flash through Keith's eyes for a second. He knew perfectly well what he had just made Keith feel, and he hated himself for it. He physically repressed a shudder as Keith turned to him, eyes as hot as coals. 

Lance gulped, praying desperately that his gamble had paid off. He didn't like poking at what was basically the emotional equivalent of an open wound, but he had played on Keith's insecurities anyway. He could beat himself up over it later, right now, Keith was looking at him with murder in his eyes.

"You're on." Keith growled, storming from the room. Lance let out a sigh of relief, glancing back at Pidge before following the red paladin from the room. 

When he reached the door to the infirmary he could barely make out Keith, his face twisted into a sneer as he practically marched to the training room. Shiro gave them a glance as he passed them, but Lance gave him a reassuring thumbs up, watching as Coran returned it and immediately engaged Shiro in conversation, leading the black paladin back into the kitchen.

When Lance entered the training room he had a brief grunt to warn him of the impending danger. He jumped forwards into a roll, pulling his bayard from his hip as he went. Keith's sword smashed into the wall, leaving a deep gauge causing Lance to gulp. He probably should have put on his paladin armour before he had stepped anywhere near the training room.

"Didn't you mother ever teach you how to be polite?" Lance muttered before immediately slapping a hand over his mouth and dodging the now even more enraged Keith. Mentally he face palmed, amazed at his own stupidity.

"Okay! I admit-- that- that was insensi _tive!_ " Lance shrieked as Keith did his best to impale him. Lance rolled and managed to finally activate his own bayard, although he wasn't sure how bringing a gun to a sword fight was going to help him in his current position. Thankfully, it seemed that the bayard was more advanced than what he had initially imagined, because instead of the massive blaster the bayard he usually wielded became a wide shield.

Lance smiled and lifted it into position, letting Keith throw everything he had into attacking. Lance knew that Keith released his emotions in battle, and he was more than willing to accommodate for the emotionally constipated teen before him.

_Emotionally constipated._ Lance smirked. _That's a good one._

The rather one-sided battle raged for hours, finally ending when Lance slipped up and managed to hit himself in the face with his own shield. He fell to the ground, holding his aching head, fully expecting Keith to throw him across the room, or do something equally as terrifying.

Instead Lance stared in shock as Keith shook with restrained laughter, bayard held uselessly at his side as he tried his best to stop the impending fit. Lance lost it at Keith's reddened face and began to chuckle himself, which appeared to be the last straw for Keith, the red paladin falling to the floor. Lance wasn't sure how long they laughed for, but it only stopped when Keith winced, his aching body protesting the jarring movement that came with laughter. 

Walking over to Keith, Lance held out his hand, both as support and to call a truce. Keith was hesitant to accept support from the blue paladin, but Lance gave him no choice in the matter. He bent down and put an arm around Keith's waist, hauling him to his feet. Keith reluctantly put his arm around Lance's shoulder, pouting as he did so. Keith gave a muttered thanks as he attempted to properly use his aching muscles, the two moving to the lounge.

"Keith, are you feeling better now?" Lance asked, as he gently dropped the other paladin onto the couch, being careful to not aggravate his injuries further. Keith didn't answer for some time, instead adjusting a pillow. But eventually he turned to Lance, a small smile adorning his face.

"Yeah, thanks." Keith said sincerely.

"Any time buddy, any time." Lance smiled, ruffling Keith's mullet and laughing as the shorter paladin scowled.

Keith wasn't okay, he wouldn't be until Pidge had woken and talked some sense into him. But for now, everything was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave kudos or a comment if you want ^-^ (optional of course, I'm not going to force you)


	2. Constellations and Pronunciations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off: Going with the headcanon that Hunk is polynesian! Therefore, his real name is Hokule'a.
> 
> Reasoning, besides it being a real name? Hokule'a means 'star of gladness'  
> \- star, connecting him to space  
> \- and gladness, which is just Hunk, our pure yellow ray of sunshine :D
> 
> okay, I'll let you read now .-.

Lance thought Hokule'a Garrett seemed like a nice enough person.

Or at least he appeared to be online- he hadn't actually met him yet. But Lance had seen the name written in small font on his acceptance letter, right next to the roommate information, and had immediately gotten to work, stalking him on his various social platforms. He'd even asked a few anonymous questions on a blogging website. In Lance's book, anyone who had that much interest in food, star wars, and constellations couldn't be that bad.

Even if he wasn't entirely sure how the name was pronounced, he had decided it would be the first thing he asked. So all in all, Lance was (so far) happy with his roommate, and was looking forward to hanging out. Lance couldn't wait to meet Hokule'a.

Hokule'a thought that Lance was a nice name. He'd never met a guy named Lance before, but he figured that someone with a name such as that had to be a great person. He just hoped they would get along. At this simple thought, his stomach twisted painfully.

He sighed, bringing a hand up to fiddle with his headband. What if his roommate didn't like him? What if his education here would be like all of his other ones. He sat down on the bare bed that was to become his own. He liked being early, early was good. Early meant time, time to think, cry, or perhaps even hide. He shuddered at that memory, trying his best to remain in the present. But he wasn't really successful. His back tensed as the memories of his primary days overwhelmed him, not helped at all by the recent death of his mother, his only support system. His father tried his best, but he'd always been more of an emotionally closed man. Bottling his feelings, so different to his wife and child, whose emotions were worn on their sleeve, leaving them vulnerable and open to the world.

Lance, in his excitement, had accidentally arrived early. It was actually rather shocking, and Lance began to ponder if excitement was really the key to punctuality, however the thought was gone from his head in an instant, replaced with wonder at the sheer size of the building in front of him. And that was only what he could make out from behind the large fence.

He wondered why the fence was needed, but a look at his surroundings told him all he needed to know. Lance would prefer himself intact, thank you very much, not ripped to shreds by whatever lived in the endless desert he currently stood in. Already he felt a little homesick, the lack of ocean making him uneasy.

He grabbed his bags from the floor and hauled them up beside him. Due to his unexpected early arrival, he now had time to stop off at his dormitory and make the place a little more homely for when his roommate arrived. On the off chance that there was somebody in his assigned dorm room, he knocked. But when there was no answer he walked in. He did not expect to find a boy dressed in yellow, sweating profusely as he clutched his chest, struggling to breathe.

Hokule'a had heard the knock, but he had been to deep in his panicked thoughts to register that a knock usually meant a person. So deep in his anguish was he that be barely registered when a blue clad boy stepped into the room. He did however register the shout of surprise that came from his as he fell backwards over his bags.

"Oh man! Are you okay?!" Lance freaked, scrambling to his feet and rushing to the other boys side. He wracked his brains, grasping for forgotten information about panic attacks that his mother had taught him many years ago. He decided to focus on the obvious, he needed to get his roommate breathing properly.

"Man I need you to focus okay?" He began in an even tone "Breathe with me- in and out, nice and slow. Thats good bro, just like that."

Bit by bit, Hokule'a regained control of his breathing. He lifted his hand to wipe away a frustrated tear, angry at himself. He thought he was over these stupid attacks. He turned to look embarrassed up at his saviour.

"You must be Lance." He muttered, curling in on himself. Wishing he could just sink into the mattress and disappear.

"And you must be my roommate." He replied. "I'm sorry I've got no idea how to say your name and I don't want to butcher it." Lance apologised, moving to sit on the other bed.

"It's Hok-oo-le'a" he murmured, making sure to pronounce it nice and slow, exaggeration the syllables to make it easier for the other teen.

"Hokule'a." repeated Lance, smiling at his roommate's nod of approval.

"So Hokule'a, are you okay man?"

The bigger boys small smile fell, and he wished again to just cease existing for a while.

"It's nothing, it was stupid anyway." Hokule'a said, staring at the other wall. The floor. Anywhere but the boy in front of him. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned to face Lance in surprise.

"Anything that has you that upset isn't stupid." Lance said firmly. Hokule'a wanted to believe him, he really did.

"I'm just a bit scared, I haven't had the best experiences in schooling..." Hokule'a admitted, leaning into his roommate's touch. They had known each other for barely thirty minutes and already he felt more comfortable with Lance than anyone else outside the family. He knew how to work around others, so he guessed Lance had a big family to take care of.

"Do you mind me asking why?"

"The other kids didn't like me because I was smarter than them, so they called me a lot of names. Most of them about my weight- chubby was their favourite" Hokule'a said, before starting as Lance jumped from the bed.

"How dare they!" He shouted, clearly offended by what he had heard.

"You're not chubby- in fact you're... Err... a hunk! Yeah! I'm so sure of it I'm gonna call you that from now on!" Lance yelped before pausing as his brain caught up to his mouth.

"Sorry, I tend to speak before I think." He ended sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head. Lance tried to ignore his heart plummeting, thinking he had probably just ruined any chance he had of being friends with Hokule'a.

"Hunk, huh?" Hokule'a said, lifting his head to smile at Lance. "I like it. It's easier to say than Hokuel'a in any case, it'll save everyone the trouble."

The newly christened "Hunk" stood, giving the back of Lance's shoulder a friendly pat.

"Thank you."

Lance grinned, turning around and holding his hand out for a fist pump. And as Hunk's fist connected with his, Lance realised that this was the start of the best friendship he would ever have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per usual, thanks for reading! Leave kudos or something, each little thing is appreciated~! (I will love you forever for comments btw)


	3. Battle Within

Lance hadn't been sleeping well.

Sure he got a few hours in here and there, but he knew he couldn't go much longer like this, his skin would give him away. However at the current moment he was at peace with his newfound insomnia, for if he had been trapped in the blissful clutches of slumber, Pidge's muffled sniffles would have gone unnoticed. An act that, in Lance's mind, was a punishable offence. 

The kid already went through enough crap as it was, a tiny child fighting in a war to great for her. It was too big a job for the young girl - too big a job for all of them really. It shouldn't be up to a bunch of kids and a traumatised man to save the universe, but here they all were, fighting to protect their home planet who didn't even realise they were in danger. It was a horrible burden to bear, especially for their youngest paladin. That meant that any support Lance could provide, he would- even if it meant adding to the weight of his own burdens that he carried silently on his shoulders.

Lance shrugged off his blankets, as easy as he shrugged off his own thoughts. He glanced at the clock-like device that he had been provided with, noting that it was close to the early hours of dawn. He wondered what had even woken Pidge up.

Thunder chose this time to roar throughout the Castle. Lance sighed, rolling onto his back once more and staring at the ceiling. This planet was prone to storms - except the storms here seemed similar to the Altean equivalent of rain, rather than the rain on earth that he loved. 

The rain (or whatever the heck was falling from the lower atmosphere) drummed over the Castle from outside. Allura had deemed it safe enough to not put up the shields, but Lance was second-guessing how much punishment the Castle could take in this weather.

Thunder crashed again, and Lance started at another quiet cry from Pidge, jumping out of bed. He had other matters to think about, not some trivial dents in the hull of the ship.

Lance pushed open the door, just in time to see a small figure sprinting as if their life depended on it. Lance went to step out but winced at the chill, grabbing his thick blanket and draping it over his shoulders before heading out into the dark hallways of the ship. No light came out from under Keith's door, loud snores slipping through the gap in Hunk's. Even Shiro was asleep, a rare occurrence to witness.

Lance followed the sounds of despair, a sentence he never thought he would actually think. What had his life become? Lance quickly shoved that thought train off its tracks. He didn't have time to wallow in self-pity.

He found Pidge in the lounge, huddled in between the couch cushions. Lance stared, amazed at her ability to squeeze into the smallest of spaces. Although after the air vent incident, he wasn't all that surprised.

"...Pidge?" He whispered.

There was a muffled shriek of surprise, followed by a squeal of fear as the thunder rolled once again. Pidge trembled in her spot, staring up at Lance in absolute fear.

One brief glance into her eyes showed Lance all he needed to know. 

Pure desperation flickered with just the smallest hint of sadness, one that hid with every loud sound outside. It would resurface at any opportunity, mixing with the fear.

It was in that split-second moment that Lance decided Pidge's eyes were windows to her soul- guarded from anyone but those who cared to look close enough. The one moment between the booms outside and her reply was all Lance needed to know that he saw the young girl as a pseudo little sister.

"L-lance..." she stuttered, shivering in fear, and from the cold draft that swept through the airy rooms. She unwittingly flinched again as the storm outside grew worse.

"Come'ere, pidgey." Lance chuckled, opening the blanket to let her into its circle of warmth. Pidge scowled, a fantastic re-creation of Keith's trademarked expression, and opened her mouth to protest. Instead, all that came out was a short whimper, followed by a squeak at the sound of more thunder. 

She wriggled a bit more, trying to bury herself further in the cushions. Alas, there were even spots to small for the tiny paladin, so she attempted to cover the rest of herself with her arms.

Sighing, Lance pulled her out from her hiding spot, wrapping his arms and the blanket around her and flopping back onto the couch. Another roll of thunder sounded, and Pidge shivered in his arms, curling up further into the blanket's warmth.

Gently he stroked a hand through her hair, hoping the physical contact and affection would calm her, or perhaps even lull the girl into much needed sleep.

"You won't- you won't tell the others?" Pidge murmured, causing Lance to startle at the sudden question. "Pr-promise you won't?"

The logical part of Lance's brain was telling him to at least tell Shiro, but Pidge sounded so sincere. She didn't want anybody to know about this. Lance fell silent for a moment, weighing the options.

"Only if you tell me why it's scaring you."  He bargained. There was the off chance she wouldn't, but in her vulnerable state, hey, Lance could try. Learn something about the tiny enigma that lay curled up in his arms.

"I-it sounds too much like a b-battle." she said quietly into the darkness, clinging tight to Lance as the thunder increased in volume. "Like the Galra could attack a-at any moment."

Now that she had said that, Lance could hear the gunfire too. Every small sound would have the capability to hide an enemy ship's attack. "...Ah."

"Y-yeah..." she shifted a tiny amount so she was able to wrap her arms around Lance better. "As a kid, I was scared of storms because I thought a giant had come to eat me. Now, it's much worse."

Pidge's reveal of her childhood fear suddenly reminded Lance of how young she really was. It was just now beginning to hit him that Pidge was still a child, barely old enough to be in the beginning years of high schooling.

Sudden anger flared within him. When he was fourteen he was worrying about fitting in at school, not focusing on survival whilst trying to save the universe. 

At her age, he had been allowed to make mistakes that wouldn't reflect on the world around him. He had been allowed to take it easy- rest when it all got too much. Yes, the paladins could take short breaks, but the weight of the universe on their shoulders caused so much stress. Lance could see that as he looked down at Pidge.

 A feral need to protect burst from his very core, and he hugged the girl tighter. Would they be back in time to throw her the sixteenth birthday she deserved? Somehow, Lance highly doubted it. He wondered if Pidge had already had a crush and a first kiss back on earth? Again, he didn't think so. 

Pidge would miss so many things- they all would- because they were protecting the universe from a threat with a ten thousand year headstart.

Lance was reminded for the second time that night they were all only kids, trying to do a job much too big for all of them. 

 "It's okay, Pidge. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." Lance consoled, hugging her tightly. "No one will hurt you here, they have to get through me first, and I'm the strongest guy around."

He heard Pidge's muffled giggle and smiled softly. Pidge might have thought he was joking, but it was actually a promise to her. He would protect her to his dying breath, because the brave warrior in front of him deserved it.

He would protect Pidge with everything he had, because Pidge had so much more to live for than he ever would. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pidge's chapter is the one I've had the most input into, funnily enough . . .
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading~! <3


	4. The Advisor and his Princess

No one had seen Allura for the better part of four hours now. They weren't worried for her safety, they knew that the princess could handle herself. Besides, it was just them in the castle, they had searched every inch after the breach, just in case.

No one really knew how to approach the princess about what had happened. Even Shiro seemed just as clueless as everyone else on board, Lance had the sinking feeling that their leader hadn't done much comforting, or been comforted for that matter, in a very long time. He doubted that emotional support was allowed amongst Galra captives.

Lance pulled his thoughts from the older man and turned them instead towards Coran, who was looking longingly at the door, as desperate to find and comfort the princess as Lance himself was. It must have been hard to finally get her father back, only to lose him again. Lance longed for his own mother and father, and a twinge of sadness struck his soul. Stamping down the growing feeling, he turned to the Altean.

"Hey, Blue took some damage, can you help me have a look at her, Coran?"

The man twitched slightly at his name, switching his eyes from the door to Lance.

"I'm free now" He said with a nod, beckoning for lance to follow him as he walked out. Together they left the room, Lance shivering as they left behind them a room filled with worry and apprehension.

"Now, what damages did she take, My boy?"

Lance was suddenly wrenched back to reality. He smiled at Coran before answering.

"Nothing I can't fix myself."

Coran raised an eyebrow in disbelief "Then what--"

"Do you have any idea where the princess would be?" Lance asked, getting straight to the point.

Coran's moustache raised slightly as he smiled. Lance rather liked the advisor's moustache, it tended to be very expressive.

It seemed that Coran knew the princess quite well, for they found her in the first place they looked. Lance liked this room. It was painted a light golden shade, the colour familiar to Lance, but it wasn't until he observed the pictures on the wall that he realised where in the castle they were.

The King's Quarters held many a framed photos on it's walls, but the tiny photograph of two young men seemed to be prized more than the rest. Lance smiled at the much younger looking Coran and Alfor that laughed at him from the simple wooden frame. It was the only decoration on the dusty bedside table, and Lance found it charming.

Lance saw Coran's eyes flicker to the picture, and the redhead's moustache raised again, but Coran ignored it in favour of gently pulling back the covers on the luxurious bed.

"Come now, Princess." He murmured, giving her hair a gentle stroke. Lance noticed that the touch seemed to soothe her.

Before he could ponder this more, the princess dived at Coran, wrapping him in a tight- and probably rib breaking- hug. Coran showed no discomfort, and the blue paladin began to wonder exactly what sort of relationship the two had. It seemed much closer than that of princess and advisor. He felt the agonising stab of loneliness again, but forced it down so he could support the two Alteans.

"It hurts, Unca Coran." Allura sobbed, as if she had somehow intended to answer Lance's unspoken question. Lance hastily brushed aside the remainder of his loneliness, ashamed of himself for being selfish when the princess obviously needed them.

He sat quietly, being careful to make at least some noise so that he wouldn't unintentionally startle the princess with his presence. It was an ingrained habit of his, cultivated from both his sensitive little sister, and his friendship with Hunk.

Coran smiled at him in approval, obviously pleased with Lance's approach. Although he hadn't done all that much really, merely informed the princess he was there too.

"I know Allu, I know. But we will get through it- like your father always used to say. When the world says give in--"

"Hope whispers to keep going." Allura finished. Tightening her hold around her esteemed 'Unca Coran's' neck.

They sat like that for a while, Lance remaining silent as Coran shared stories of his youth with Alfor. Some were funny, some were sad, but Allura began to cry less and that was what really mattered.

"I remember when he first discovered how to braid hair, and he practised on you for hours before finally showing you off to the other noblemen and women." Coran reminisced, stroking the princess' white hair as he did so.

"Can you braid it Unca? Please?" She begged, straightening so that she might be able to look into his eyes.

"I am afraid that I don't know how, my little Allu." Coran said, a sad smile adorning his face. Tentatively Lance looked over to the two.

"If you would allow it princess, I would be honoured to braid your hair for you" Lance offered, smiling gently as Allura turned and gave him a watery smile.

"Please." she agreed, shifting in order to give Lance better access to her flowing locks.

When Lance was done, Allura thanked both him and Coran.

"-And I'm sorry you had to see me like this..." she said, rubbing at her eye with the heel of her hand. "It's not really the best way to see a Princess--"

"I won't tell anyone." Lance said solemnly.

"Thank you." She gave a small smile, turning to attend to her duties elsewhere in the castle.

"You did well, my boy. May I ask where you learned to braid?" Coran asked Lance as they rose from the bed and began the long walk back to the common areas a short while after Allura had left.

"I saw my older sister doing it when I was seven and begged her to teach me." Lance said, smiling fondly at the memory "She did- but only on the condition that I braid her hair for her. She always found it difficult to do it on her own."

Coran gave his shoulder a light touch, and Lance sent him a massive grin back.

"I could teach you how, but only if you beat me back to the kitchen!" Lance bet, confident in his speed, but also not caring if he lost. Coran smiled back at him and nodded quickly in agreement.

"You're on number three!" Coran shouted gleefully, sprinting down the hall with Lance hot on his heels. It made him feel young again, as if nothing had changed. Any minute now Alfor would appear at the end of the hall, jeering at him as he struggled to keep ahead of the much taller child.

Suddenly Coran didn't feel so cheerful anymore.

Lance stopped when Coran did, nearly crashing into the back of the Altean. The man, mere moments ago running like a carefree child, had paused when the world around him still spun, his expression making him seem so much older than the ten thousand years ever did.

"Are you okay, Coran?"

Coran flashed a fake smile in Lance's direction, a futile attempt to divert the paladins worry.

"Tell me more about your family, Lance."

Lance raised an eyebrow but complied, launching into story after story as they did laps around the castle halls.

Coran's eyes grew brighter with each glue incident and embarrassing situation Lance described, the haunted look within them fading as Lance continued on.

Lance supposed that Coran had needed distracting, something else to focus on than the bittersweet memories that must have been taken from their dusty shelf during their talk with Allura. And Lance was more than happy to provide that distraction.

Even if every story slowly crushed his heart to pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //sniffles
> 
> this just gets progressively sadder oh my gosh :c
> 
> Leave kudos and a comment or something~!


	5. Worthy to Lead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooooooh boy this chapter KILLED ME in the editing stage. 
> 
> I'm so sorry

Lance lay awake once more, again staring at the dull ceiling above him. It wasn't that he was ungrateful for the room, no- but the plain walls? The lack of glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to the ceiling? It was all just a stark reminder of how far away from home they really were. 

Filled with a deep longing for companionship, Lance dragged himself out of bed. Coran was always awake at this time. When Pidge had asked Coran why that was, he had gone into a long explanation about cycles and varying daylight hours. 

Hunk, seeing Lance's bewildered expression, had laughed and roughly translated that to 'they sleep less because they had longer days on Altea'. Lance let out a half-hearted chuckle at the memory. 

That had been in their first week on board the castle ship, when Lance still had hope of seeing his family again.

However, as Lance walked about the hallways, it was not the cheerful advisor that he found. Instead he watched as a haggard looking Shiro stumbled from the training room. Lance noted the bags under his eyes and sighed. 

The man had even more trouble sleeping than he did.

He was about to move on in his search for Coran, knowing already that their leader would not appreciate being seen in this vulnerable state. He too knew that feeling all too well- all of them did. 

Usually when he experienced it, Lance would flee to the hanger and barricade himself within Blue. Here he would stay for several hours, spouting some excuse about his beauty regime whenever the others cared to inquire about his absence. It was and excuse that went unquestioned due to Allura claiming all of the blue paladins cared deeply about their appearance. It made sense, as Blue herself liked to be washed daily if it were possible.

Lance fully intended to leave, and if he had stayed one second less nothing would have changed. But Lance had hesitated, unsure of which way to go. And this one second of hesitation had changed all his perceptions of their unflappable leader.

Lance turned to leave but was interrupted by a loud cry of anguish and the sound of metal hitting metal. Or in this particular case, the sound of metal plating bending under the pressure of a Galra-made prosthetic. Lance watched as the black paladin crumpled to the floor murmuring to himself.

"I can't feel it. It should hurt. Why doesn't it hurt?" Shiro whispered, eyes glistening with unshed tears of both sadness and rage. Shiro gripped his flesh arm with his Galra one, and Lance stepped out slowly, unable to bear Shiro hurting.

"Shiro? Shiro, can you hear me?" There was no response from the man on the floor, and Lance moved a step closer.

"Shiro, it's me- Lance. Shiro?" 

Again no response. Lance felt himself panicking and did his best to squash it down, now wasn't the time for hysterics. He took another step closer, being careful to approach from Shiro's flesh side. He wanted to believe that Shiro would never hurt him, but the logical part of his brain wouldn't let him. Not when he was in this state.

"Shiro, you're okay. You're in the Castle of Lions. Feel for Black, can you hear her? She'd be... she's worried for you." He tried, hoping to bring him back to the reality. 

At his words, Shiro turned to look at him. Something feral seemed to leave his eyes, and Lance thanked whatever gods were out there for the miracle that was ancient telepathic mecha-lions.

"Lance? What're you doing here?" Shiro grunted, looking around to regain his bearings. Gently Lance reached out for Shiro's human arm.

"Couldn't sleep;" he shrugged "I'm guessing you couldn't either?" Slowly, Lance placed his hand on the Galra arm, gently prising it from the flesh one slowly crushing in its grip. 

Shiro, seeing what Lance was trying to do, unclenched the fingers, showing the rapidly forming bruise blossoming against his skin.

"We should wrap it. Wouldn't want our leader injured now, would we?" Lance smiled. He turned, expecting Shiro to follow.

"... I don't deserve to be your leader."

Lance paused mid step, turning around to face Shiro. His eyes were wide as he took in the man before him.

"What- what do you mean?" He gasped, shock causing his voice to jump up in pitch.

"I'm broken- I'm a broken man pretending to be fine." Shiro took a shaky breath before continuing. "I don't remember anything, and I don't _want_ to because- because I'm scared. I'm too weak for the knowledge. If I remembered I don't-" He ran his human hand through his hair, tugging at the white locks at his forehead. "I don't know how I would go on. How am I supposed to face the Galra if I can't even face my own memories? I'm not worthy of leading!"

As Shiro ended his half-hysterical rant he stiffened, eyes haunted and arms wrapped around himself. Lance knew what he was thinking because he knew Shiro, and Shiro would automatically begin thinking about how his rant would affect Lance. He was proven correct when Shiro opened his mouth to speak, leaning back to rest against the wall behind him. 

"L-lance- I-"

"Did you know that Hunk wakes up early and meditates for three hours to start his day?" Lance interrupted, feeling mildly guilty for betraying his friends trust.

"No, but-" Shiro stared at Lance, confused "-but what does that have to do with anything?" 

"If he doesn't, his anxiety gets the better of him." He moved to kneel before the man, glaring at the ground between them. "It usually ends with both of us on the floor in my room as I help him through a panic attack. Do you think Hunk isn't worthy to pilot?" Lance questioned, fists slowly beginning to clench in his lap. 

Shiro remained silent, shocked at the question, Lance already knew his answer, so he moved on.

"Did you know that Allura and Coran sometimes sleep in the King's quarters; and Coran braids Allura's hair as she cries?" Lance murmured, tone getting louder with every word. "Do you think they don't deserve to be here?"

Shiro stuttered in the negative, and Lance spoke over the top of him.

"Did you know that Keith thinks he's stupid because it's hard for him to make connections with people? Does that make him unfit to pilot Red, Shiro?"

Again Lance waited a moment, allowing the information to sink in before continuing.

"Pidge is _fourteen,_ Shiro, and still scared of thunderstorms because the sounds easily cover up any possible noise from an approaching Galra war ship." He hated saying all the things he promised his friends to keep as secrets, but he had to get through to their leader. 

"She doesn't sleep _at all_ if it's storming. Does this mean she isn't the right person to be here, Shiro?"

Here Lance paused for a minute, taking in a deep breath before continuing on to the most difficult person for him to talk about.

"Did you know that I hate mirrors, because they don't lie?" he whispered 

"They show me how much I've changed? Did you know that I'm always scared my family won't recognise me if we make it back? Do these fears stop me? Stop any of us? _Do they stop us from deserving to be on board this ship, Shiro?!"_

"No" Shiro answered, lifting his head to look Lance in the eye. "None of it does, none of that makes any of you any less capable of being here! Why would you even think that?!" he pushed himself off the wall, still staring at Lance in shock.

"You believe it so strongly Shiro, and yet you still think that of yourself." Lance said quietly, shaking his head. Shiro gaped at Lance, looking for all the world like he had just been slapped across the face.

"I- Lance-" Shiro stuttered. Lance smiled and stood, turning to leave.

"We're all a little messed up, Shiro. It comes with being defenders of the universe." he murmured as he left, now exhausted enough to try and sleep once more.

Besides, sleep had to be better than the vortex of pain and self-loathing that had now filled him. He should have realised that Shiro needed help. He was supposed to be a leg of Voltron, lifting the others when they needed it.

But no, he couldn't even do that right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> . . . ouch


	6. Feeling Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Referenced suicide in this chapter. It's only mentioned in passing, but it's there.

Lance had come to expect the dark thoughts that appeared in the late hours. 

They had disappeared for a while, seeming to vanish from existence with the help of a supportive family and Earth treatments prescribed by a sympathetic doctor. He had rather enjoyed the brief two years of relief. 

But out in space his support system had all but vanished, along with the treatment he had available. Thus the thoughts and feelings came back. And in all honesty he was, in a sick and twisted way, glad for their company. It was familiar, in a place that was always changing. A constant in the ever swirling mess in his life. He knew deep down that this familiarity was bad, and would only lead him to darker places. But without his family there to support him? He had no idea how to deal with it.

Lance had tried all of his usual coping mechanisms. From cleaning his bedroom till it shone, to writing out his feelings on paper and throwing them out, and even to hours of meditation. But alas, they hadn't worked, and he didn't really think he expected them too. 

He didn't know how to deal with this constant ache that filled his bones. Or at least he pretended that he didn't know how to chase away the darkness within him. Lance knew, that if he could go home, feel his mother's embrace, then he could finally feel happiness without feeling guilty. Guilty that he was happy when his family was probably mourning his death. He just wanted to go home.

Sometimes he regretted sneaking out that night on Earth. Because if he had just followed the rules and gone to his dormitory like a good cadet he wouldn't be here. But even though no one was here to question him, nor judge, his stomach churned. Self-hatred filled him as he truly thought about the implications of his thoughts. 

If he had remained in the garrison that night, there would probably not be a Garrison in the future. Lance knew with certainty that if he could relive his experiences he would have taken the exact same path, because his mama had taught him right from wrong, raised a boy who would do anything in his power to help people. And despite his own feelings, where he was, and what he was doing? It was the right thing, and Mama didn't raise a man who turned his back on those who needed him.

Lance sprang from the bed, and sprinted from the room. He needed to move, to get away from the thoughts that attempted to consume him. Leering at him as he attempted to escape their hideous jaws. He needed to run.

Lance only stopped because his burning lungs forced him too. He cursed his weak, human body and fell to the ground, sobbing as he curled up on himself. The floor was like ice, cold enough to burn his exposed skin as he lay without protection on the harsh metal of the ship. He hadn't brought a blanket, but that was okay. The cold ebbed in to him, giving him something to focus on. Anything to distract him from his thoughts.

Lance began to wonder if the cool floor would freeze him to death if he stayed here. He found that he didn't much care, and pressed his exposed midriff to the cold panelling. Shame welled within him, threatening to pull him further into his thoughts. 

Lance fought, wailing as he struggled fruitlessly with his own mind. The battle waged for what seemed like minutes, but in reality was hours. But lance had been strong for too long, and his mind won out. He tried to remember how cold a human could get before they were in danger of dying, but came up empty. It wasn't like he had the motivation to move anyway. 

He started to cry, shivering as the hot tears ran painfully down his icy skin, dropping to the floor beneath him. He tried to imagine his mother, sitting before him wiping his blotchy face with the sleeve of her shirt. 

He pressed a hand over his mouth so he didn't scream. He couldn't remember her face clearly.

The icy cold surrounding him was her hugging him, and he sank further into his illusions, no longer caring how much time had transpired. He only wished to stay here, in the loving embrace of his Mama, face buried in her shoulder as she whispered gently into his hair.

He wanted to stay here forever.

Many hours later the rest of team Voltron gathered in the training room, waiting for their last paladin. They weren't worried when he didn't show up for breakfast- Lance had a habit of sleeping through his alarm some days. 

They weren't worried when he was late for training- he would burst in any moment now with an excuse and a humorous remark about maps.

They weren't worried when a few minutes passed and he still hadn't arrived- it was normal. He had probably added an extra step to his skincare routine.

But an hour passed and Shiro stood, noting the rest of the team was just as worried as he was.

"I'm sure he's fine." Allura remarked, attempting to sound casual yet not quite pulling it off.

"I'll get the biological scanner up and find out where he is." piped up Coran, pulling up the device as he spoke. But when Coran searched through the map, he found no signs of Lance.

"That's strange;"Allura stepped up to the screen and frowned, also unable to find a blotch of colour that represented their lost paladin. "I recalibrated it so it would pick up the average heat signatures of humans as well..."

 Hunk began to panic, and Shiro, remembering what he had been told a few nights ago placed a steadying hand on his shoulder.

"Maybe he went out in Blue?" Pidge suggested, Coran nodded and swiped at the screen.

"The blue lion is still in her hangar." Keith answered as he peered over Coran's shoulders, arms crossed. His voice broke a little in distress, but he cleared his throat and forged on. "I'm going to go check his room."

Keith turned to leave but was pulled back by a hand on his shoulder.

"We're all going;" Shiro ordered, voice strong but worry still clearly evident in his tone. "Something is wrong and I don't want anyone getting hurt." 

Lance's room was empty. It was also spotless. 

Hunk gasped and looked around the room, looking for a speck of dirt, a crushed bit of rubbish, anything. When he found nothing he turned to the others with tears in his eyes, knowing exactly what was up.

"Guys, we need to find him _now_!" Hunk shouted, rushing from the room with no explanation.

"Hunk," Coran called after him, struggling to keep up with the surprisingly fast paladin. "What is it?"

"Just- just find him" Hunk struggled to say, close to bursting into tears on the spot.

The group hurried to split up, surprised by the urgency in Hunk's voice.

Pidge raced down hallway after hallway, checking in every room she passed. She wished she'd thought to bring a jacket with her- these parts of the castle were not temperature regulated, as they were not commonly used by the paladins.

Pidge almost ran past him at first, not noticing the crumpled form of the blue paladin as she rushed round the corner. However a puff of white breath made itself visible in her peripheral vision and she turned back, spotting Lance to the side of the walkway.

"Lance!"

Lance just continued to stare at the wall in front of him. Pidge reached out to him, placing her hand on his arm and immediately pulling it back in shock at his temperature. She couldn't lift him, and she hadn't thought to bring her communicator with her. She needed help, but Lance was so cold. 

Pidge jumped to her feet, taking off her shirt and covering Lance with it, it was quickly followed by her socks. Left in a singlet and shorts she shivered, but Lance needed them more than she did.

"Hold on, Lance." She said, ready to dash off to find someone, anyone to help her. But she hesitated. She didn't want to leave Lance here. A muffled squeak sounded and she watched as the four mice jumped on top of Lance, rubbing their furry bodies into his uncharacteristically pale arms. If the situation was different, Pidge would have smiled, but instead she sighed in relief and sprinted down the hallway.

She found Allura first, quite literally running into her as she attempted to turn a corner at insane speeds.

"Pidge! You're so cold!" Allura gasped as she helped the smaller girl up. "And where is your shirt?"

"Lance. Can't lift him." Pidge explained shortly, grabbing Allura's hand and dragging her down the hall.

"What, you found him?" the princess inquired, effortlessly keeping up with a panting but determined Pidge. "Is he okay?"

"I-I don't know, he's- he's so cold." Pidge gasped out as she ran, finally coming to where she had left off. Lance had not moved, even though the mice had tried to pull him back to reality.

Allura bent down beside him, lifting him bridal style in his arms. She gasped as their skin met, feeling the chill, and Pidge let out a small cry when she caught sight of Lance's blue lips.

"We must hurry. The pods won't help in this case- It's not a physical injury." Allura said, taking off down the hall, Pidge took a moment to scoop the mice into her arms before sprinting after her.

They ran to the living room where Coran, having received a message from Allura had gathered blankets and the other paladins.

Hunk stared wide-eyed at his friend, immediately running over and scooping him into his arms before wrapping the blankets around both of them.

"Lance buddy, can you hear me?"

It was silent, only the sounds of Lance's short breathing cutting through the quiet.

Lance gazed into his mother's blurry face, watching as she smiled at him over their breakfast.

"Would you mind helping me with your sisters today Lancy? I need to do some washing." She asked, running her thumb over his knuckles as she waited patiently for him to finish his bite.

"Yes mama, I'll make sure they stay out of trouble." Lance said, beaming up at his mother.

"Thank you Lance, you're such a good boy, can you do one more thing for me?"

"Yes, Mama?"

His mother leaned closer to him.

"Wake up Lance!" She whispered. Lance didn't understand, he was already awake, why did he need to wake up? 

"Wake up!"

"Lance buddy, can you hear me?" Lance knew that voice, it reminded him of yellow, and the constellations. He liked the voice, even if the person it belonged to had a difficult name.

"Hokule'a?" Lance whispered. Team Voltron stared in confusion.

"Yeah its me, buddy."

Slowly, Lance lifted his arms to hug Hunk, who met him halfway.

"I'm so sorry..." Lance whispered, tears creating new tracks over ones that had dried hours ago.

"Shhh, it's okay," Hunk consoled, hugging him tighter "you have nothing to be sorry for."

Keith suddenly tensed, this scene, it was all too familiar. 

He was reminded of his first night in a foster home, a family that already had a foster kid. Her name had been Ella. They had all sat down together as a family, and explained to Keith that Ella got sad sometimes, and that to help she took special medication. Later on Keith had learned exactly what Ella's illness had been called, but not before his sister figure had lost the battle with herself.

He didn't want that to happen with Lance. How had they missed all the signs? His eyes widened as he turned to Shiro, who seemed to have realised what Keith had in the same moment. After all, Ella had been his foster sister too.

Hunk rubbed soothing circles into Lance's back.

"I- I want to go home" Lance whispered brokenly, voice fearful.

"I know Lance, I know." 

Lance sobbed again as Pidge slipped beside him on the couch at the insistence of Shiro, who had noticed her shivering. She rested her chin on his shoulder, wrapping her small arms around him from the back. Eventually they all gathered around Lance, enclosing him in their group embrace.

"We all do." she murmured, feeling her own tears wet the back of his shirt.

And so the pillar finally crumbled under the weight, to be built again, stronger. Lance wasn't okay. None of them were really. But together they would get through it as best they could, facing the perils and pitfalls of their new life as a group. 

As a team, and as a family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fin~
> 
> Thanks SO MUCH for reading! If you liked it, please leave kudos or maybe a comment below! They're both appreciated! :D (seriously feedback is the best- ask any author!) (...does that seem pushy?)
> 
> See ya in the bonus!


	7. Bonus Chapter [Too Big For Us]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! PenMelody here :D. Now if you have read paper stars, you may remember a nice little poem that I chose to end the story with. Well this time, I've gone one better! Below is a link to the song I have written, inspired by this fic.  
> Be sure to read the description on the video! Enjoy :D

[link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQwptLstfOM)

_Too Big For Us_ \- PenMelody (Jazzie Bee)

 _[Verse 1]_  
Together we sit as he relearns how to breathe  
His heart races with panic deep set anxiety  
And demons fill his head as he fights off another's  
Ignored but still heard as the light of hope is smothered

A boy in a bubble made of experience and fears  
A knife in hand and heart to protect him from tears  
'Cos bonds only seem to lead to pain  
Until someone can teach him to connect again

 _[Chorus]_  
And in the end they'll come to me  
'Cos everybody does  
And we'll fight together, cry together  
wipe each other's eyes together  
In a war too big for us  
A war too big for us

 _[Verse 2]_  
A family in all but name; they say despair comes in pairs  
A gentle touch is calming as a session braiding hair  
A man with too much to do; a child doing too much  
Go to him for support- drown their sorrow with a laugh

He's a fellow protector with secrets to hide  
Whose fears and insecurities surface in the dead of night  
He's in need of help but doesn't want to burden  
But finds a companion someone to confide in

 _[Chorus]_  
And in the end they'll come to me  
'Cos everybody does  
And we'll fight together, cry together  
wipe each other's eyes together  
In a war too big for us  
A war too big for us

 _[Bridge]_  
But sometimes your strength could use some strength of their own  
Before it's too late  
Cos even the strongest of pillars  
Can crumble under the weight.

 _[Chorus 2]_  
And in the end they'll come to me  
'Cos they know I need some love  
And we'll fight together, cry together  
wipe each other's eyes together  
In a war too big for us  
A war too big for us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adding the slow link here just in case: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQwptLstfOM
> 
> Skarmoree's input to this chapter: an hour of listening to brainstorming and rambling, while lying on the cool tiles of the kitchen. Also trying to find a rhyme to 'breathe'. Anxiety totally rhymes, shush now xD


End file.
